I'm not finding anything creative to do. And we don't really deck our halls. I thought we were going to decorate the tree, but that didn't work real well either. If we do today, I'll take some pictas. SNOW HAS FINALLY ARRIVED (I'll take some pictures of that too... from indoors of course)!
I have been very upset with myself lately. Like I just don't like who I am. I'm feeling like I need to change a few things about myself.
1. My sarcasm.
I don't think people realize when I'm being sarcastic, so it just turns out to be rude.
2. How much I worry about things.
If this gives you any perspective, I have insecurities and then I'm insecure about my insecurities.
3. The amount of work I can handle.
To put it shortly: It's not very much, it needs to be more.
4. The way I talk to people.
I just need to be more friendly.
5. My complaining.
It's honestly something that I've been trying to work on, but it's hard.
So, no picture today. Just some thoughts. I would really like to not hate myself. This is something I shall be working on. But here's the thing, I don't want to love myself for who I am, I want to change myself and in turn, love the new me. Is that bad? I kind of feel like that's bad. Anyways... I'll probably talk to my mom about it.
You know those prayers where you're like, "This is so dumb, but I'll ask anyway."? Well, God has been answering those in my favor lately! It's so nice.
Prayer 1: I take naps all the time. I have also had a ton of homework this week. The past few days, I have prayed that I would have enough energy to just make it through the day without a nap. Whenever I started getting fatigued, I would just drink of cup of Jesus tea, and I was all good. It was actually really helpful that I didn't have to take naps those days. I did allow myself to take one today though. Actually, that was the only thing that kept me motivated to stay alive today.
Prayer 2: That the UPS guy would stop coming. He was a creeper and kept staring at me. Suddenly, he got like fired or something. PTL.
Prayer 3: That the lady I needed to call wouldn't answer her phone. She didn't.
I just feel like this week in general has been going really good. Considering how much homework I have, I think I have kept up pretty well (besides the late nights). Needless to say though. I am very much looking forward to Christmas break.
Speaking of Christmas...
DAY 5: On the door.
I had to go to the shed and get the out today. There still aren't batteries in it though, because I am lazy and stupid. :)
I figured out that there's a new photography challenge every month. YES PLEASE!
I also figured out that I have a 5 to 7 page paper due on Wednesday that is 40% of my grade. Fun stuff, right? I'm hoping to at least get liiiikkkkeeee 3 pages done tonight? Yeah, we'll see if that happens. Anyways, I'm going to start the Christmas challenge, but I didn't like what it was for today, so I also did the other one too. That was really confusing. I've been writing a different four-page paper for the past 4 hours. Wow, it doesn't feel that long. I suppose time does fly when you're having fun.
DAY 3: Clouds/Rosy
This one kind of sucks, but that's okay. It's not really rosy anyways.
I also took one for Day 2 of the Christmas one. Red and Green.
Philosophy is a very interesting class to be taking. At first, I thought, "Why the heck am I taking this?" Then it moved into, "This is going to be pretty fun actually!" After that it was, "My professor teaches pole dancing classes!!" and from that point on, it has been, "Ehh. I don't really have to read..."
I think there are a variety of people in every college class. People with different beliefs and home lifes. In Philosophy, though, we actually talk about what our differences are.
Recently we had to turn in papers about our perception of God or if God exists. It was seriously SO hard for me to write, because I've never really had to put that into words (which shows the extent of my conversations with people). I felt like an elementary school kid writing their first paper, because the quality of my writing was just that awful. At least I got it over with though.
My professor always loves everything that everybody does or says, so she wanted us to read our papers to the class. When no one volunteered, she decided that she would take excerpts out of all of our papers and have everyone read a random one.
As more and more paragraphs were being read, I started to become more and more depressed. When I looked around the room, I figured there were three, maybe four people who believed anything close to what I believe. One guy at the end observed, "I think most people aren't set in their beliefs. Most of us have some idea, but we're aware that there is no way of knowing what the truth is." I could not even fathom what he was saying. I know EXACTLY who and what the truth is.
This little exercise hurt my heart. It made me realize how many lost people are in the world... even at my school. I can't imagine not knowing. One of the papers said, "I believe we live to be happy." I agree with that to some extent. I do very much enjoy being happy. But how the HECK do you have happiness if you don't have God? How can you be okay with thinking that when you die, you're just done? How can you have no hope? Also, the Bible does say that there is a time for everything.
I so wish that I could explain my opinions about God better. I wish I even knew all of my opinions about God. I think that's why it scares me a little to talk about it with other people. What if they ask me a question that I don't know the answer to?
I've always believed that it is best for people to know I'm a Christian and then see how I act. If anything about religion or politics came up that I didn't agree with, I would just keep my mouth shut, and "respect the other person's opinions". I think I'm realizing more now, though, that I need to be more bold. I can still respect other people's opinions while sharing my own. How do I expect to grow in my faith if I stay in my comfort zone of staying silent when anything controversial comes up?
The thought of going to a Christian school has been very appealing to me. There wouldn't be as much cussing, I would grow in my faith, and I could definitely get along with more people. However; I feel blessed to be going somewhere where people are lost. I know that I am where I should be right now, and let me tell you, it's a great feeling. I don't know how I want to do it, but I do want to show people how great it is to be a believer.
So, I guess this will be my prayer for a while. That I can figure out how to show people God's love in different ways. I need to branch out and talk to people that I normally wouldn't. I just watched a documentary called "Beware of Christians" (btw totally recommend it). In it, they made a good point saying that we need to become friends with people in poverty. I.e. don't just give a homeless person money, but invite them to go eat with you. If we become friends with these people, their problems will become our problems. Thus meaning that we have a greater desire to help them and show them the Way, the Truth, and the Light.
I suppose that's all I have to say for now. I should definitely be doing math homework, but... this was... more important? Yeah. It was. :)
What has my life become? And when did it become like this?
Who decided that college students have all the money in the world? Cuz I'm pretty sure we don't.
When did my life change so much that my biggest compliment is, "You're good at this," from a patient talking about the NCT?
Why did I find myself thinking this afternoon, "I love a clean fish bowl!"?
How come I flip my hair in front of the mirror to entertain myself, and accomplish it?
When did I become this person??
Maybe it's all the professors that (in my opinion) stink. Maybe it was all my friends moving away. Maybe God is saying, "This is person I've always wanted you to become." How scary would that be? Perhaps it's all the times I've forced myself to say, "My name's Kristin." in the past couple of weeks. Well, whatever it is. It certainly is an interesting experience. And one more thing...
... when did I start having inside jokes with myself?
So, here I sit. Being sick is really no fun at all. Especially if you can't get out of anything that you're dreading. I don't really know what I have. It's kind of flu-like symptoms I guess. The worst part about being sick, though, is having absolutely nothing to do.
Of course I have plenty of things I would like to get done. I need to water my dad's garden and my room could use a heavy-lifting clean, but I just can't find the energy. I walked up two flights of stairs to see if I could find the thermometer and was exhausted. I go between being freezing and burning up within like 5 minutes. I'm achy in weird places. I get a headache every time I stand up. But, I'm sure you all want to know SO MUCH about this....not.
I guess I could talk about dreams. I have a ton of dreams, and can usually remember at least one. Last night, I was sobbing in one. I think I remember semi-waking up to see if I was actually crying, but I was just breathing like I was crying. I actually remember thinking, "This would sound super creepy if anyone else heard it."
To say the least, I feel like I have nothing to do. I suppose I could go sit outside and read for a while or something. I hope it's not too hot out there. And I hope I can make it. Well, here goes nothing.
You know what I hate? Throwing up. I hate the sound, the feel, the smell, the look, and the taste of it. I don't think anything is quite as bad as throwing up. These days, I get to hear that wonderful sound around my house probably at least 3 to 4 times a day. The worst part of it is, I can't do squat about it.
Do you ever wish that we could take the pain for someone else? Like instead of one person doing all the puking, why don't you just spread it evenly among the family members? Not gunna lie, that would be nice.
Another thought: People that deal with depression and think daily about suicide, but decide not to go through with it are very compassionate people. I've always thought that suicide victims are super selfish, but I've never thought about those who don't go through with it. That doesn't make any sense, but it does to me. The end.
The time has come. I am going to college. There are many reasons for which I have decided to stay in town. Alright, so maybe only two. Money and Family. It's going to be rough, though. Most of my closest friends are going to some far off land to begin this new chapter in their life with a bang. I feel a little... mediocre. Kind of like I am starting a new chapter, but not really. Because it's basically going to be just like the life I've lived for the last three years (Freshman year was just really strange).
Anyways, before my friends go off and meet grand, new people, I have been trying to spend as much time with them as possible. You see, the friends that I have, I feel, are life-long friends. Okay, I know that most people say, "We're going to be friends forever! I just know it." but this is different. My friends are seriously THE BEST. We have already gone through a ton of useless drama together, spent months at a time apart, and performed countless pranks on poor, unsuspecting cell phone users. I believe that we will always be able to pick it up right where we left off the last time.
Which is where I am going to try and make an awful segue into my point. Where we leave off. I already know that I am going to miss my friends so much when they leave. I miss them when they go on two week trips. Heck, I miss them when I don't see them for 2 days. That's why I am cherishing every moment we have together this summer.
Here are some fun experiences with ma fwends.
Julianna, Tiffany, Annie, and I all had really embarrassing/stupid moments here. The four of us never really do anything fancy. We decided it was time to try something new. Tucanos is a Brazillian buffet. You first go to a salad bar. Then, when you are ready for them to start bringing the 20-some odd options of meat around to your table, you turn a little stick over to the green side. I had said to my friends, "Okay, but let's not turn it over until we're done with our salad." Thinking that if we had salad and meat at the same time, it would get a little overwhelming (small table and everything). Tiffany though, thought that I meant we weren't allowed to eat salad and meat at the same time. She proceeded to ask a random waitress if we could, who responded with, "....Ummm yes? Of course you can!"
Next, was Julianna's turn. "Would you like to try some filet mignon?" Julianna's response?: "What is that? Pig?"
Alright, so I'll admit it was a little confusing as to how to take the food you were being offered. I even made the guy drop a piece of meat, because I was busy watching a birthday celebration instead of "grabbing my tongs," but Annie takes the cake here. I believe you are supposed to tell the waiter how much you want of the specific item, but when they brought the grilled pineapple around, Annie didn't know that. The guy kept cutting the fruit and Annie kept taking it. She ended up with a whole stack on her plate before Julianna and I said, "Ummm, Annie? Do you really like pineapple that much?"
I guess I can't give her too much flack for that though. As the, oh I don't know, third or fourth round of pineapple came around, I learned that my peripherals are not so good. I saw that the waiter was cutting the pineapple, so quickly grabbed my tongs to catch it before it fell. As I started grabbing the uncut delicacy, I realized that he was cutting it on the opposite side.
The night ended with another lovely comment from Tiffany when they brought the dessert around. She decided against something like, "Oh no. I'm too full, thanks though!" Or even just a "No thanks." would have sufficed. But nope. Her first choice was, "That's too expensive."
2. Village Inn/Phase 10
Every once in a while, I make it my duty to go to Village Inn with Janelle and Tyler, but of course, I always invite others. And it's not actually a "duty". I just thought it would be clever to say that. This time, since Annie was out of town, it was Julianna, Tiffany, Janelle, Tyler, and I. Long story short: we almost got kicked out, because Tiffany threw play doh at Julianna and missed. It ended up landing in someone else's booth. The manager came over and asked us to "refrain from throwing play doh at other customers." I'll bet you if he had a nickle for every time he's had to say that, he'd have a nickle.
We had already started a game of Phase 10, but decided to continue at Tiffany's house as this situation had just grown extremely awkward. Julianna was on the last phase and just needed one card to win. Tiffany (whose turn was right before Julianna's) had just ended that round when Julianna took a card from the middle, turned over all of cards, and said, "HA! I win!" She also found it necessary to get up and do a victory dance. As Tiffany was yelling at her, because she cheating, Mom E. called and asked Tiffany to either go downstairs or be quiet. Then, all of us besides Tiffany got up and started doing our victory dance. Tiffany was not happy to say the least.
This is not us, but they're playing Phase 10. Cute, huh?
3. Spaghetti Factory
Okay, wow. I promise you that we don't go to restaurants for a living. That would be AWESOME though. I'll keep this one short. Julianna and I were the "remedial children". One of the managers was forced by Mom E. to stand on a chair in order to take our picture. James started eating before the prayer. Our waiter probably thought we were all a little mentally challenged. Tiffany received a beautiful purity ring. And Julianna's ice cream was melted.
There have also been some moments that I would be okay with forgetting. Actually, I don't ever want to forget anything. They just weren't as fun I guess.
1. Target Parking Lot
So, I've been complaining a lot about all my friends leaving me, but the truth is, not all of them are. I am super blessed to have some pretty close friends going to the community college with me. Although we probably won't be taking the same classes or anything, we can go through what we all feel like is going to be a not so hot experience with each other. I'm excited to become even closer with them in these next couple of years.
Anyways, Olivia, Jordie, and I decided to go see the new Spiderman movie (BTW you should see it. It's really good.). We went to Target first to buy some cheap snacks to sneak into the movie. Jordie and I left our cars at Target. Afterwards, we wanted somewhere to talk and just decided on talking in the car in the parking lot. As it got later and later and employees started leaving, we noticed a few cars coming into the parking lot. Because it was like 10:30 at night, we were a little suspicious, but didn't really think THAT much of it.
Soon though, the cars started circling the parking lot. One parked right in front of us, flashed their lights on us (probably to see if we were part of their group), and then parked right behind us. Another started going around the building, came back, and parked next to the other car. The third one went up and down a row and, again, parked in the row behind us. As you can imagine, this made Jordie and I a little hesitant to walk to our cars.
Jordie's house was really close, so we just decided to go to her house and ask her mom to come back with us. Both her mom and brother were asleep, so we went back to Target thinking that they would probably be gone. We found quite the opposite when we arrived. In less than 10 minutes, at least 20 more cars had appeared. We also saw a group of people standing outside the cars.
"IT'S A CULT!" were, for some reason, the first words that came out of my mouth. Olivia backed the car up right away. As we left, we saw more cars coming in. The odd thing about this all was that the cars were all pretty nice and the people didn't look suspicious at all. We couldn't really think about anything at this point, besides how scared we were. We rushed back to Jordie's house and her mom actually ended up calling the police.
I felt dumb when both Jordie's mom and the dispatcher on the phone started laughing at us when we responded with "...like...mini vans..." to "What kind of cars did they have?" Nobody, but us three seemed to think it was even a little strange. Still, though, they sent a cop to check it out.
When we got the call back from the police, Jordie's mom asked if it was just a prayer meeting or something. He said something like, "Well, besides have God on their side.......they're the next best thing." I don't get it. Through this whole experience, I have also learned that it's really hard to say, "next best thing".
Just FYI, when Jordie's mom got there to take us to our cars, she said things like, "Oh. I don't like this. This is weird." So we weren't just going crazy.
2. I'm just going to sum up this already too long for a giraffe's neck post by saying the following: I am not a fan of getting ditched at Wal-Mart nor the movie Zookeeper (although I barely watched it) nor being in the house while my friend is getting scolded by her parents.
So, I guess you could say that my summer has pretty much just been packed with friends. It's nice, because I'm going to miss the ones that are leaving, but at the same time, I kind of feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I guess we'll see what God has stored for me within these next few years. I hate the word year though. Don't ask my why, because I just figured it out myself. Anyways PEACE!