What have I been thinking about lately? Let me tell you. 18 years. (18 years and on the 18th birthday he found out it wasn't his). That's how long I've been single. It seems like a long enough time to perfect a person, right? Or at least mature them enough to be in a romantic relationship with another person. Well, I've been figuring out that it's different for everyone. I know people who got married at 18 and are still going strong. I also know some awesome 30- something year old people that are still not married.
This is honestly something that I've been struggling with lately. There have been times before where I've wanted a boyfriend, because it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with or to say nice things to me. Lately though, it's been a whole new struggle. Like it has made me question everything about myself. I have never had such low self esteem in my life as I've had these past couple of months. However, what I have been failing to realize is that God has been teaching me more things about myself during this time than ever before as well.
Some of the lessons that I have been learning are as follows:
1. I cannot wait around and anticipate all of the problems that are going to happen during the day. I have to just give my day to the Lord every morning and trust that he will handle all of my problems with ease.
2. I need to lower my expectations. I set such high expectations for experiences, friends, family, myself, and boys. I keep a journal for my husband (I know, super cheezballz), and I actually wrote an entry about lowering my expectations. Let me share just a snippet of it with you. One of the unrealistic expectations I have set for my husband is that I want him to love watching sports and be willing and happy to explain plays that I don't understand. The reality of that situation is this: What guy is going to want to take the time to explain every single call to me during the game. It'll probably be more like, "Wait, so that means..." "Just google it, Kristin!" Plus, what if he doesn't even like watching sports? I can't hold that against my husband! I have simply found myself having really high expectations for people or things and I always end up disappointed. Maybe I should say that I have too many expectations rather than too high expectations though.
3. Idols. This was a sermon that I heard a couple of weeks ago at church. The pastor gave a simple definition of the word: Anything you place above God. "Wow." I thought, "there are SO many things that I put above God." When I think about my daily routine, it exemplifies exactly where God is on my priority list. I usually do my devotions at night. That means I have just put school, work, working out, eating excessively, taking naps, talking with friends, facebook, worrying, and so much more above God. Recently, I have been trying to flip that routine around and start my day out with devotions. I have found that it makes me much happier during the day and a more enjoyable person to be around.
4. God longs to spend time with me. At another service the other night, the pastor said, "God's heart starts to beat faster when you spend time with him." I think that is one of the coolest things ever. Out of all the people in the world, God longs to spend time with me. A lowlife that messes up on a day to day basis. He knows all of my faults and failures yet still LOVES when I talk to him. He's jealous for me. No person could ever do that like Jesus does. The pastor encouraged us to take a little extra time each day to spend more time with the Lord. Lately, I've been enjoying my morning car rides just talking with Jesus. Although, I'm still figuring out how that's even supposed to work.
5. I am supposed to wait well. This has probably be the hardest lesson for me. I think it's usually this age in life where people get tired of waiting. I don't really know where I'm going in life. I want a boyfriend. I want summer. There are all of these things that I am so impatient for. I need to enjoy the NOW. I need to appreciate everyday for what it's worth and find new opportunities. I must trust that God's timing is always perfect.
Although I cannot say that my self esteem issues have been fixed, I have realized that I need to find my value in God's love. I don't want people's pity, because I know that this is something I need to work out within myself. I am trusting that God is simply bringing me to the exact place that I need to be in before I'm in a relationship. He's not done with me. He needs to continue teaching me things about myself. My hope is that he is also bringing my future man into this place. :)
All of this just goes to say that God is awesome. He knows what He's doing, and I need to trust Him. I need to enjoy where I'm at in life and be content. Thanks, Jesus. Looking forward to the next lesson you have in store for me!
Finally, I'd like to leave you with some (what I think are) funny texting conversations from today.
1. Them: "Hey, my friend just said he saw you!"
Me: "Oh, really?? Just kidding. I saw him too. I just avoided eye contact. I make such horrible one second decisions!"
"Hahaha. That's so funny. I asked him if he said hi to you, and he said no. Then I asked him why and he said you were walking too fast! This is really funny to me!"
2. Me: "Maybe when I get to work you, me, and Patty can all do that burpee work out!"
Me: "No? Are you afraid Patty's going to show you up? You know, I would much rather have people blow their nose than sound like a whale when they breathe."
Them: "What in the world?"
"What? It's physical geography. I have nothing else to think about."
"Hahaha. Couldn't you think about your future husband or something?"
"Who? Demaryius (Thomas)? Victor (Cruz)? Trust me. There are no possibilities in this class. It's easier for me to imagine someone blowing their nose."
You see, I think I'm real funny.